Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Falling Down


As I sit here and think about writing a post I have so many things going through my head. As I mentioned in my earlier post I have been feeling really down lately and still have no clue what to do. I get overwhelmed easily, get upset and or mad even more easily and wish I knew how to get control over my life.

I often wonder how does one even begin to be happy. I am not saying I'm not happy at times but am more often really unhappy and I have no idea why. I WANT to be happy, I really do. I don't even know what happened. I don't want to be the bitchy/negative one. I really don't know how keep my thoughts or comments to myself. I guess it is easier to put someone else down than actually look at myself. I hate that I am always saying the wrong thing and getting people mad at me or whatever. I really don't know how to just be happy, cheerful and just be liked for me..

After looking at notes and cards I gave Steve early in our relationship and wonder what happened to that girl. Have I really changed in 14 years?? Or is that what happens when you become comfortable in a marriage? I sometimes wish I could go back to the early days. There are so many things I would love to fix.

And I am truly disgusted with myself for not sticking with WW and gaining all but 8 or so lbs back. I can only imagine how much I would have lost if I had kept it up.... Literally just thinking about it makes me want to burst out in tears. Which at this point is not that hard...

I just don't know.. I don't want anyone to think I am anything but wanting to better myself. =)

That is all for now...

Friday, April 6, 2012

Lost

As I sit here at work I wonder where to start.....

I have been feeling really low lately and not too sure why. Well it could be MANY reasons.... Some I really do not want to get into right now because it will just make me end up crying and since I am at work I do not want to do that...

Not really sure what to do with certain aspects of my life...
I have blogged many times about certain issues and still am having the same problems and none have really gone away. I am at a loss for what to do and I really have no one to talk to about these issues... Not that I even know how to express what I am feeling anyway -- I guess I am just good at keeping it all inside and pushing it away until I am miserable...

Maybe I need to go to a counselor but I don’t even know where to start... I am so over feeling this way and have no idea where or how to start.... Not sure if my meds are not working or do I need a different one??? I have no idea....

I am just rambling at this point and really have no sense of what I am even typing... maybe once I have time to think and get my thoughts in order I will do another post.

If anyone is even reading this I am sorry I am all over the place but I needed to get some of my thoughts down in writing.... and if you continue to follow me I promise I will make more sense next time.